Accepting my timeline has been one of the most challenging things for me. I thought I was supposed to be at a different ~life stage~ at age 23, but I’m slowly learning that the only one who has to be at peace with the rhythm of my life is me. I’ll never know what I’m doing exactly, but I’m getting better at the not knowing part. Finding more peace and less anxiety in the quiet spaces. Growing into the person you’re supposed to be is hard, don’t let anyone fool ya.
I'm aware of the motion of time. The clock goes round and round and round and I can hear it ticking and I feel as though I'm sitting on the hand of the hour letting it move me in the only direction it knows how.
Mostly, I'm okay to sit, but there are moments when the air is crisp and the sky is navy blue and sidewalks are for dancing and laughter takes the place of breath and I know it's impossible, but I wish I could stay just a little bit longer under the freckled dark.
I'm aware of the motion of time. The clock goes round and round and round and I want to stand up and push back -- fight the hour and the minute with both of my hands and send the seconds in reverse.
“Stop being so afraid! That’s really what strikes me when I look back — the sheer amount of time I spent tangled up in fears and doubts that were entirely of my own creation… Focus more on learning than on succeeding — instead of pretending that you understand something when you don’t, just raise your hand and ask a question. You’re a smart girl, and chances are if you’re confused, plenty of other students are too. And for heaven’s sake, let yourself really fail once in a while — not some tiny little mistakes here and there, but big, glaring, confidence-shaking, dark-night-of-the-soul-inducing failures. Understand that no one — especially folks who are truly successful — simply coasts from achievement to achievement. The most accomplished people in the world fail and fail big. That’s how they learn so much and grow so quickly and become so interesting and wise. In short, stop trying to be someone who will impress everyone else, and just focus on being and becoming fully, sincerely and passionately yourself.” — Michelle Obama
Welp, despite my usual failure to complete things of this nature, I did it. 12 months of angst, spanning the years, brought to you from the archives of my Tumblr.
Most of these excerpts are nothing short of cringy, but that is okay. I love this lil' internet home I've created for pieces of my heart to live. I'm proud of myself for stringing all of these moments and memories together to create some resemblance of a whole.
D E C E M B E R
17 December 2012
I love that feeling of comfort you get when you are sitting next to someone and you realize just how wonderful they are. I really, really do.
23 December 2012
These are the things I am going to miss most.
The 12:30am phone calls, “Come outside. We're going to look at the stars in the canyon.” Or knowing that every time I go to Oso Starbs I will run into at least three people I know. I will miss the weekly adventures. No destination in mind. No curfew. Just friends and togetherness. I will miss the Saturday night hugs that always make me feel so loved, and I will miss feeling like I belong to something great.
When they all leave and go to college they will take pieces of me with them. It isn't bad, just hard.
04 December 2013
It’s okay to ask your mom to sleep in bed with you because you had a bad day. It's okay to ask her to hold your hair for you while you throw up. Don't take these small things for granted. Sometimes, you just can’t do it on your own.
13 December 2013
It’s the smallest acts of love that keep our hearts warm.
25 December 2013
You told me that you were leaving because maybe, just maybe, the grass would be greener on the other side…
Oh darling, there have been nights where I have longed so desperately to meet you there - watering bucket in hand. You’d tell me how the grass was dead all along. I’d laugh and tell you that flowers can’t grow where the sun doesn’t shine. You’d smile as you remembered - for the longest time I was your sun.
What happened to us, sweet? What happened to us, darling?
We couldn’t meet in the middle, and now we’re two worlds apart.
15 December 2015
I think I could collapse under the weight of 2015.
16 December 2016
I never thought he’d be the one to hurt me most.
N O V E M B E R
27 November 2012
Sometimes I stay up late just because I like the way darkness feels around me -- all encompassing and devout in nature, but permeable at the same time.
I'm listening to Clair de Lune on repeat, and I wonder if anybody has ever looked at me in the same way that I look at darkness and the bashing of someone’s fingers across the keys of a piano -- unabashedly beautiful and reckless.
29 November 2012
We’re all dealing with a lot of the same stuff which I find funny, because we all feel so alone.
08 November 2013
I’m not really sure who I am right now. I’m a whole lot more lost than ever before, but I can’t seem to care. And I don’t want anyone’s sympathy. And I don’t want people to worry about me.
I want to melt
like the wax on a candle from the heat of the flame
into the background or the pattern in the sky.
How does the part of me that wants to disappear exist simultaneously with this sick desire to be someone? Anyone at all.
Do well, be better, be known.
I want all the good things.
I don’t want to hurt anyone and I don’t want to be a burden and I don’t want to go away for the weekend and come home even more empty than when I left.
I want the beautiful boy to want me, and I want to laugh.
But ah, the eternal truth: life is hard -- moms get brain tumors and junior college sucks even though you don’t want it to.
You turn down the adventure because you're scared of what you'll find and you lay in your bathtub until the heat makes you
12 November 2014
Loving you, always.
22 November 2015
I want to bury myself in pillows and cry for days.
These are so late, but I want them on here because I promised myself I'd get through all of the months, so here they are.
ps - it's REALLY difficult for me not to want to edit these and make myself sound better, but the whole point of doing this was to show growth over time. Hard as it is not to self edit, I am leaving them be. Okay, continue...
O C T O B E R
28 October 2012
We all believe in something. I believe in sentences structures, and words on paper. I believe in the sound that my cameras shutter makes every time I hold down the button to capture something new. I believe in somedays and tomorrows.
Some days, like today, aren’t very good at all. But you study with one of your best friends at Starbucks, and laugh at your old PE teacher or that boy you used to like as they orders their drinks. And it isn’t until 6 o’clock when your eyes start getting that burning sensation (the kind that you get after a good cry) that you realize today was even bad at all.
29 October 2012
Sometimes you wake up, and life is hard.
Other times you wake up, and life is impossible.
This is one of those days.
31 October 2012
Isn’t it weird to think that someday (hopefully) you will meet someone, and things will go your way?
07 October 2013
There’s this thing I do where I go out and I try to forget where I am. In the past five weeks I’ve put 1,600 miles on my car just driving in circles.
Some people have it better than other people and they know it, so they stay quiet.
Some people have it better than other people, but they continually find a reason to complain.
I just want to wake up one morning and know that it’s all going to be okay.
16 October 2015
Sometimes I care so much and other times I care so little, and I'm still trying to figure out how to fix that.