I really hope that whoever I end up with loves books so that he will understand my references to literature and we can lay in bed together and read and have a huge library created from the combination of two individual lifetimes

"Listen. I don’t know how or when my grieving will end, but I’m always
relearning how to be human again."

— Sherman Alexie, “You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me: A Memoir”

"But the problem with readers, the idea we’re given of reading is that the model of a reader is the person watching a film, or watching television. So the greatest principle is, “I should sit here and I should be entertained.” And the more classical model, which has been completely taken away, is the idea of a reader as an amateur musician. An amateur musician who sits at the piano, has a piece of music, which is the work, made by somebody they don’t know, who they probably couldn’t comprehend entirely, and they have to use their skills to play this piece of music. The greater the skill, the greater the gift that you give the artist and that the artist gives you. That’s the incredibly unfashionable idea of reading. And yet when you practice reading, and you work at a text, it can only give you what you put into it. It’s an old moral, but it’s completely true."

— Zadie Smith

23 19

I'm tired of going on dates. The good ones are exhausting and the bad ones are exhausting, and if I have to deal with one more stage five clinger I am actually going to consider hibernation... 

I need a nap.

When our hearts are sick of something, they tend to puke all over it. Complaints, complaints, complaints. So many complaints that our lives become humid. We live in the stick of things until we actually believe that we are stuck.

But we are not stuck. We are never stuck. We have every capability of changing the cycle and getting ourselves unstuck, we just have to decide to do so. 

On August first I made the decision to get unstuck. I am done letting my heart puke on my dating life. If I am going to complain about how much I really don't loooove dating right now, then I'm not going to date right now. I am going to put my dating life down for a nap. I am going to give my heart a few seconds to stop feeling so nauseous. 

This isn't forever. I've set a clear end date and marked it on my calendar, but until then, I am drawing a line in the sand: NO DATES.

This timeout is for taking notice of the empty spaces and filling them with the Best Love. It's for setting new standards and finding worth in who He is and the wholeness of everything He has promised. 

I told God that I was ready for whatever's next, and this isn't exactly what I meant, but I know that it's what I'm being called to do right now. My palms are facing up. I am relearning Him and He is reshaping me. 

I'm not afraid to let go. What's meant for me will always be mine.