archives

May Archives

This months archives are accompanied by photos associated with the year/post/feeling the words bring me. I'm at the point in this series where I'm starting to appreciate the compilation of months and the fact that I'm doing this for myself. I can't believe next month will mark six months of 2017. It's all moving so quickly. 

2013 

9 May 2013

Today, I sat on the bus ride home and listened as the individual conversations around me became a cacophony of laughter and gasps and more laughter and the humming of the bus engine as it struggled to keep up with traffic. Everything was painted gold with the rays of the setting sun. We had reached my favorite time of day.

Sitting there, I was at peace. I wasn’t happy and I wasn’t sad.

I want to remember this moment with warm regard. I want to say that I sat there in that bus after a looooong awaited day at Knotts and everything was perfect. I want to say that we were a family and that I belonged. I want to say all of this, but honestly, I can’t. As sentimental as I always thought I would be for these last few moments of senior year, I’m not. I am ready for high school to be over.

Today was fun. Moments are important. Life is weird. I am content.

10 May 2013

We’re driving. It’s dark all around except for a runway strip in the distance. You’re listening to your podcast and I’m listening to my Ingrid Michaelson playlist. You’re in the drivers seat and your mom is riding shotgun. I’m in the back, all five feet of me sprawled out across the seats.

Occasionally, you take your eyes off of the road to look back at me and smile the cutest smile. I can’t help but to think that this is the feeling they write books about.

Today, you told me that you are crazy about me, and that you are scared. You talked about the fast pace of the world, and how it feels like time is constantly slipping through your fingers before you have the chance to enjoy it. You said you wanted to make a conscience effort to remember this weekend. You said you wanted to make a conscience effort to remember it all. 

There's nobody I'd rather stand next to while the world stops. Here’s to our second vacation together. Here’s to our adventure and life and moments together. This is just the start. 

24 May 2013

I’m afraid that I’m an 8 and not a 10. And see, that seems silly because maybe I’m a 5, but I just wanted to be perfect in somebody’s eyes.

I’m afraid that tonight I’ll have another nightmare. The one about the tattoo. It always reminds me about how scared I am to commit. I wish I wasn’t and I wish I didn’t. But here I am.

I am afraid that I have already disappeared and that it is mostly my fault but I kind of don’t care anymore because I graduate in like, two weeks.

I’m tired. I’m burnt out. I am happy, too. I just wish I could balance all my plates at once.

2014

8 May 2014

I believe there’s a million and one people in the world that you have the potential to meet and fall in love with. I don’t know why we don’t give ourselves more room for what lies ahead. Life is short. Heartbreak is scary. I just hope we end up kissing the right person goodnight.

19 May 2014

I want to share my everything with you.

2015 

27 May 2015

We became strangers overnight. 

2016

11 May 2016

Once you’ve loved someone as much as I loved you it kind of feels like there’s nothing left to give. I’m waiting for a renewal of my love energy or a replenishing of my heart, but my god. You took it all away from me.

2017

10 May 2017

tonight, i smell like salt, cigarettes, and secrets.

my bank account is empty and my toes are cold, but i am not a dollar amount and i have warm blankets to crawl into and fall asleep underneath.

tonight, i found my center laying on a dock beside the quiet sea.

April Archives

tbh a lot of these had me gagging on my own tongue because of the cheese, but I had to give myself grace when I looked at the years. April has always been an emotional month for me. The changing of seasons is beautiful, but it tilts my equilibrium on its side. 

2013

7 April 2013

Sometimes, all it takes is a trip that you really didn’t want to go on, and an old song that everyone knows and can sing along with.

Sometimes, all it takes is a simple I love you to crack your bones and let the light in.

Sometimes, all it takes is a reminder that you are still learning and that you can still be wrong and that you can still be surprised by the outcome.

My heart is a matchbox. You hold the match to start the flame. Strike easily, darling. I’m not ready to go down in flames.

25 April 2013

You fell asleep next to me today while I was doing homework. We were listening to Claire de Lune, or I guess, I was the only one really listening. I think somewhere between asleep and awake you were too. I couldn't believe it, but there you were- peaceful and cute as can be, taking a nap next to me while I was doing homework. I think I’ll keep you.

2014

2 April 2014

It’s been rainy lately. At night it’s a nice sound to drown out the ocean of thoughts in your mind, but during the day you miss the warmth of the sun.

10 April 2014

It's ending. 

And I wish it didn't have to feel so damn one sided. And I wish I could make you stay. And I wish I didn't feel like it was always my fault.

But there you are, standing in the doorway of my memory, smiling at me, because you are in love. And now, here you are, conflicted and confused, because this is all a lot harder than it was at the beginning, and you didn't realize I could be such a pistol when I don't get my way.

I hope we're worth it.

I hope that even though times are tough you will remember that I love it when you pick me flowers from your mothers garden, and stick post it note 'I love you's' in between the pages of my current read. I hope that we can work through this and make it right. 

But just in case our paths do part, I hope you always know, there's no one like you in all this whole wide world for me. No one like you.

2015

19 April 2015

Note to self,

Don’t lose the kid inside just because you turned 20 six months ago, and life seems a whole lot more stressful than you bargained for. You’re not that cool. Solo dance parties in your room are critical. Wash your face. Moisturize. Love yourself, love others, and have a damn good life. Despite it all, try. 

2017

27 April 2017

I let go and I've had writers block all month long and enough self doubt to fill a large mason jar. 

Sometimes, waking up is painful and that's not reflected anywhere on anything that anyone else can see. I'm sore and tired of the same same same same same same same same. I'm craving something to do with neutrals and community and an active effort to say no to myself even when I really don't want to, because no is sometimes a better answer than yes. 

I let go and I'd like to continue to do so. Maybe one day, if I'm brave enough, I'll float. 

March Archives

A few of the years were missing chunks from March, so I posted a couple more from the others. As always, enjoy... 

2013

March 10th 2013

If you feel pretty then post a selfie. If you feel fat then go work out. If you feel tired then take a nap. If someone annoys you then don’t talk to them. If someone makes you happy then tell them every chance you get. If you are proud of yourself then celebrate.

Never diminish who you are because other people don’t agree. People are never going to agree.

If it’s right for you, then pursue it, whatever it is. Never give up the chase. Never tell yourself that you aren’t worth greatness in every single aspect of this life.

This life is all you have. So cut it out and live. Seriously. You are rare and beautiful and worth every wonderful thing under the sun. I promise.

19 March 2013

Empty promises are the overflow of empty hearts.

I will not be your second choice. 

15 March 2013

I just think it’s weird that a person could choose to exist apart from someone they love. People come into your life and you discuss important decisions with them and they get under your skin and you start to really care and give them parts of you that actually mean something and then they just walk out of your life, sometimes without even so much as a goodbye.

The person you love ends up making those important decisions and getting their coffee every morning and going to the movies on Friday nights without you. Suddenly, you don’t get a say. You are left with broken pieces, and a lack of motivation to put them back together.

It makes me sad that one person can be in control. All it takes is one person to say “I’m out,” and then it isn’t your choice anymore. You have to go on with your life, aching, and hurting, and existing apart from the person you love with all your heart.

That’s the thing that kills me most: the thought that there is such a whole lot of world to see and such a whole lot of people to meet, but none of these experiences will ever be whole because this world and all of the people in it are so broken.

2014

14 March 2014

It’s good to miss people. It’s another form of love, I think. Missing someone reminds you of that persons importance in your life. It makes you excited to be with them next and to hug them and to appreciate even the littlest moments of time with them. So I’m okay with missing you. Only for a little while though. 

17 March 2014 

I remember the soft hum of your car engine, and tires lose on their axels bobbling down the road ever so clumsily.

I waited for your response…

A stripe of street light, orange and dusty, kissed the left side of your face - just below your eye, on the top of your cheek bone.

It was so small, but I saw it there in your crooked smile, and I knew.

You shrugged your shoulders and,

“Well, I was kind of hoping you’d come with me…”

25 March 2014

The first person you fall in love with is going to fuck you over for a lifetime. You’re always going to look for them in other people- their good traits and their bad. You’ll compare everything someone new does to all the things that they did but nothing will ever compare because there is no one in this whole entire world like the first person you fall in love with. Sure, you’ll fall in love again. Everyone does. But it’ll be different. Not different as in bad, just different.

2016

13 March 2016

Hell ya I’m proud of myself. There are things that I never thought I could do a few months ago, and I am doing them. I am learning to never underestimate my abilities as a human being. I am learning what it looks like to stay the course, even when it’s hard. I am filled with more strength and more capability than I ever knew. I continue to surprise myself. I know now more than ever that I can do hard things. Every bit of progress is a victory.

2017

28 March 2017

Twenty two years of life, and I am still settling in to this human vessel that I am lucky enough to call home. I am endlessly becoming. For as long as I have, I promise, I will continue.

February Archives

It's March 8th, but I didn't forget!!!

Here they are. Finally. The February Archives.

Enjoy... 

2012

25 February 2012

There is something so enticing about a stranger, the mystery that surrounds them, the excitement of getting to know them. I just like taking people in- figuring out what makes them laugh, or smile. Catching them in a moment of vulnerability, no matter how slight. It’s all so cliche. Every single person I know was at one point in time a complete stranger to me. There are so many people I have yet to meet that will forever change me. 

You’re becoming less of a stranger to me. I’m not quite sure how I feel about that.

2013

28 February 2013

But does anyone remember the year Taylor Hicks won American Idol?????

2014

19 February 2014

I love you, and it’s more terrifying than walking over a pool of hungry alligators on a tightrope made of dental floss.

I love you, and it’s more wonderful than my most favorite flavor of ice cream, or my most favorite piece of music, or nostalgia, or jumping in a pile of warm fresh laundry on a cloudy day. 

24 February 2014

I hope that when you look at me you feel as lucky as I do when I look at you.

2015

12 February 2015

I believe in the importance of writing. But even more than that, I believe in the importance of sharing the things that I have written. This mainly stems from the fact that I am a fan of the things that other average, everyday people write and share. There is just something about being an intruder in the mind of someone else. The world opens up... 

I didn’t even have to knock, or take off my shoes, yet here I am, standing in the center of the place where it is all happening– bravery, honestly, and a willingness to share. 

I believe in the importance of writing. So I contribute when I can, the best that I can, and as honestly as I can. 

You don’t have to wipe your feet on the mat. Just come on in to the mess of it all.

2016

5 February 2016

We were a mesh of body parts
Warm toes
Cold noses
Indecisive hearts

I used to think love was that fluttery nervous feeling you get in your tummy. Now I know that love is sharing a medicine cabinet and pooping with the door wide open. It’s morning smiles and eyes barely peeping open under dusty golden light. It’s when I know you’re in a dream state and you pull me in close with strong arms.

And then there’s heartbreak. And I swear to God, I can feel it everywhere. Even the tips of my fingers ache. 

We were a mesh of body parts.
The memory of you is pressed onto my heart forever.

2017

6 February 2017

We puttied glow in the dark stars onto your ceiling after our second date. I keep a picture of them taped to the underside of my eyelids. When the world gets dark, I close my eyes. I feel safe looking up at the constellation we made. 

We spent so many nights growing up under those stars that I nearly forgot they were there. 

The day you moved out you told me that the stars were gone. I remember it caught me off guard, but I registered it as the saddest sentence I ever heard you speak. 

I knew. Those stars were us. Taking them down was a visible representation of our impermanence.

I cried that night thinking about how lonely the ceiling must have looked without them.

I'm working on being less pathetic, I really am... but please understand, when the stars came down they took me with them. 

I feel it all and always will. 

23 February 2017

N O T E:  As some of you may know my car was stolen this past weekend. One of the items that was in the car was the journal that I have been writing in for the last year. Thousands and thousands of my words and ideas are now lost forever. Stolen. As a writer I don't think that there is a greater loss or violation of person space. I took a picture of my last entry which was out of the usual routine... I had no idea that it would be so important to me, but now it's all that I have left from those pages. My heart is broken. I want my words back. 

January Archives

Last nights bout with insomnia had me hard core stalking my own tumblr. As I was scrolling I came across an obscene amount of emotional excerpts that span across a period of SEVEN YEARS. While the decision to share my feelings publicly on Tumblr in 2011 probably wasn't the best idea I've ever had, I found it interesting to see all of the years lined up in a nice and neat month to month format. I was inspired, so I am making the bold decision to share a handful of these excerpts.

Over the course of the next twelve months I will be posting pieces relevant to the month in which they were written. The series will be entitled Archives. So, without further adieu I give you:

J A N U A R Y

2011

21 January 2011

I'm afraid I have fallen in love with a precious little angel face. His name is Justin Bieber. 

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2012

13 January 2012

Today my mom asked to see my hands. That sounds funny. I mean, it did when she said it at least. She looked at them and said they were so small. So I asked to see hers. We put our hands against each other to compare and they were the same size. We even have the exact same crooked ring finger. 

Today I learned that I have my moms hands. I like that more than just about anything. 

2013

16 January 2013

They say that when you know, you know. I hope they’re right, because I honestly cannot wait to meet someone and just know. I am tired of confusing, awkward, and uncomfortable. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind them. I think they are a part of life, and getting through them makes you more human somehow. I am just really excited to go on a first date with someone and not feel like it’s a first date at all. I am excited to have that feeling be mutual.

 

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2014

2 January 2014

"I’ve been thinking about you

and

I miss your smile

and

I wish I could be there." 

And I’ve had so many moments where I’ve wished just the same.

You should have seen Central Park today.

It was covered in snow.

 

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2015

January 1st 2015

I have the utmost respect for people who are brave. I hope more than anything else that I can be a brave – with people, and time, and the whole entire mix of things that make my life worth living. I want so badly to be true. Let me be brave and let me be true. 

2016

11 January 2016

You can be strong and desperately sad at the same time.

13 January 2016

You’re the dust that I can’t shake
I breath you in but never out
It aches
I try to run, far and fast
But you live inside my bones       

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2017

5 January 2017

Today I got the idea to cut all of my hair off. I called the salon immediately upon my whim and booked an appointment. I don't believe in emotional hair changes, but I knew this was appropriate. New year, new me... Hah... Ya that's not a thing. But anyways, I did it. I sat in the chair and said chop it off. No looking back.

Cutting your hair is like shedding an old layer of skin. It was one of the most healing experiences I've had in awhile. It's a plus that I totally dig the style, but even if I didn't I knew that cutting it off was the right thing to do. 

I am practicing letting go, and I'm getting better and better at it everyday. 

Sometimes a physical reminder of the new is honey to the soul. Here we go 2017.