journals

New Spaces

I wrote the following during the summertime. I've grown and changed a lot since, but I'm still learning how to breathe in new spaces. I think I always will be.


When I was a tiny lil nugget my dad taught me how to swim in the ocean. We spent the whole afternoon floating and diving and getting familiar with a world that had yet been known to me. I learned a lot that day, but the sea is strong and unpredictable.

Even though I knew how to approach the waves I still found myself in the crashing and was tumbled by the break. 

It’s a powerless feeling to be shaken so hard that you don’t know which way is up, but my dad taught me how to find direction despite disorientation. He told me that if I blew bubbles out of my nose underwater I could always follow them to the surface.

It was silly and simple advice, but he was right and I never got lost in the tumbling again.

I’m 22 now, and the waves that I’m learning how to face are less water and more salt. Car payments and school loans. Anxiety, anxiety, anxiety. More anxiety. 

Today was a really hard day, but somewhere in between brain thumps and tears touching skin I remembered that summer afternoon I spent in the unfamiliar deep.

The ocean used to intimidate the hell out of me, and now it’s my favorite place to exist.

Ironic how, even underwater, learning how to breathe can save your life.

Accepting 23

Accepting my timeline has been one of the most challenging things for me. I thought I was supposed to be at a different ~life stage~ at age 23, but I’m slowly learning that the only one who has to be at peace with the rhythm of my life is me. I’ll never know what I’m doing exactly, but I’m getting better at the not knowing part. Finding more peace and less anxiety in the quiet spaces. Growing into the person you’re supposed to be is hard, don’t let anyone fool ya.

Counterclockwise

 

I'm aware of the motion of time. 

The clock goes round and round and round and I can hear it ticking and I feel as though I'm sitting on the hand of the hour letting it move me in the only direction it knows how.

Mostly, I'm okay to sit. But there are moments when the air is crisp and the sky is navy blue and sidewalks are for dancing and laughter takes the place of breath and I know it's impossible, but I wish I could stay just a little bit longer under the freckled dark. 

I'm aware of the motion of time.

The clock goes round and round and round and I want to stand up and push back -- fight the hour and the minute with both of my hands and send the seconds in reverse. 

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On twenty-two

Over the course of the past twelve months I filled up at least five journals with words words words words words, fell in love with jazz, cut bangs into my hair, started school at a real life university, ate my weight in ice-cream (several times), wrote a short story, got a passport, kept four houseplants alive, and never denied myself the love of a burrito.  

My car got stolen and my heart cracked open more times than I can count, but I learned how to position myself so that all of the light could leak in. 

On August 01 I wrote,  

"I'm twenty-two years of stories and experiences squashed into one human body.  Sometimes, I think about what a miracle it is that all of this life fits into my small frame. I'm learning how to be honest with myself about everything that I am and all that I am feeling. I'm learning how to let myself exist in full capacity without fear of being too much. "

22 will forever be the year that bravery made its home inside of my bones. 

I'm finally on the other side of things. The grass is greener, and I get to wear a gold crown. 

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What was the first song that made you fall in love with music? Tell me about your mom and your dad and the dog that you grew up with who you loved more than jumping in a pile of warm fresh laundry on a cold foggy day. 

I want to hear about what it feels like for you to exist and what you think about when you hear the word alive.

I'm scared, too. 

Something about learning to re-navigate this scene reminds me of the the floorboards in the house that I grew up in. Familiarity with the creaks only makes me more cautious of where I'll step.

I'm ready and I'm not ready to let the cards fall away from my chest. 

And, as always, the only one who will ever feel any of this happening to me, is me. 

Update

I've been feeling generally uninspired for the past month. It's an on and off thing, and that's the worst part. Some days, I wake up and I'm like YES let's do this. Others I'm like, "Wait, who am I again?" So yeah. That's been me for the past month, and I'm trying not to come to terms with it. 

I don't want to live my life in the interim of inspiration. I'll choose experience over everything. All of my friends are graduating college and getting real people jobs, and I'm still figuring it out and living my weird existence as a creative human who would rather go moderatly hungry than sit behind a desk from 9-5. That's just me. I want to live my own life every single day- the most authentic version of it. 

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I am still figuring it out. I just got into Vanguard and they sent me the two(ish) year plan for me to graduate and it's actually amazing to see an end to the whole school thing. I can do this... somehow... And to be honest, even though I struggle to stay focused in school and would much rather be doing anything else, I still believe in its importance. A degree is a tiny piece of paper that holds a lot of weight. I know I'll turn my tassel eventually, and that's what makes my heart okay with not being in the same spot as the majority right now. 

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Sometimes, the best things are the things we already have, and we just need to learn to see that. I went back to my old blog format because the other one didn't feel like me. I think for a second I was trying to be something different. I was missing the point. 

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It's hard to be on Instagram so much of the time and to shape my life around it in some ways. I'm trying as hard as I possibly can to refrain from centering my world on myself, but everything about my Instagram puts me at the center. I don't know how to change that, or how to make it less of a thing. I am fasting from it this week, only posting to stay active and then putting it away. I want to make sure that I know I can live without it, and that it doesn't make me who I am. 

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I want to say thanks if you've made it this far. Thanks for following along and being kind and reading my words. It sits well with me and makes my heart warm to think that we're all a lot more connected than we think.