I met a boy. We documented our first date on a disposable film camera. He told me he loved me after two weeks. He picked flowers for me when I was sad. I imagined a future. I loved him. I loved him some more. I gave. He gave. And we continued. The road got twisty. We kept going. He broke me, I let him.
A cycle developed - him breaking me, me letting him back in, him breaking me, me letting him back in...
I'm a smart girl, but I was being stupid. Some small form of a dysfunctional relationship felt better than nothing. Nothing was too silent, too empty, too lonely, too much to deal with. I was in dangerous territory, the territory that I always warned my friends not to wander into, but I couldn't stop. Love makes you emotionally unintelligent.
For my 22nd birthday I gave myself the option to start fresh. If he couldn't choose me, then that was okay, I would choose me. We ended on good terms. I knew it was for real, because it was the first time I ever did the ending part. It was a clean break. He was always going to be remembered as my best first love. I'd tell my kids that he was the first great guy I ever knew.
And then tonight every single one of my ideas about him came tumbling down and hit me on the heart, hard. I laid on the hardwood floor and sobbed for hours and hours in the same position.
Pain wrecks you. It puts your mind and body into a state of paralysis. Between deep sobs and moments of breathlessness, you lay there wondering how someone who once loved you so hard could hurt you so much...
Here's the only solution for ending a relationship for good: Block him. Block him on every form of social media. Block his texts. Block his calls. Delete his number + all of the text messages from your phone and your computer. It's over. Really over. Repeat that over and over and over to yourself as many times as you have to and more.
If he calls it doesn't matter. If he texts it doesn't matter. If he sees that amazing photo of you, it doesn't matter. What matters is HEALING. Loooooong term healing. There's a reason why it's over. Don't keep repeating the cycle. Don't settle for temporary attention or temporary happiness. It's not enough.
I never thought he'd be the one to hurt me most, but we can't write our own ending to the story. Your first love is a great love, but it's not your best. Your best love will find you.