This months archives are accompanied by photos associated with the year/post/feeling the words bring me. I'm at the point in this series where I'm starting to appreciate the compilation of months and the fact that I'm doing this for myself. I can't believe next month will mark six months of 2017. It's all moving so quickly.
9 May 2013
Today, I sat on the bus ride home and listened as the individual conversations around me became a cacophony of laughter and gasps and more laughter and the humming of the bus engine as it struggled to keep up with traffic. Everything was painted gold with the rays of the setting sun. We had reached my favorite time of day.
Sitting there, I was at peace. I wasn’t happy and I wasn’t sad.
I want to remember this moment with warm regard. I want to say that I sat there in that bus after a looooong awaited day at Knotts and everything was perfect. I want to say that we were a family and that I belonged. I want to say all of this, but honestly, I can’t. As sentimental as I always thought I would be for these last few moments of senior year, I’m not. I am ready for high school to be over.
Today was fun. Moments are important. Life is weird. I am content.
10 May 2013
We’re driving. It’s dark all around except for a runway strip in the distance. You’re listening to your podcast and I’m listening to my Ingrid Michaelson playlist. You’re in the drivers seat and your mom is riding shotgun. I’m in the back, all five feet of me sprawled out across the seats.
Occasionally, you take your eyes off of the road to look back at me and smile the cutest smile. I can’t help but to think that this is the feeling they write books about.
Today, you told me that you are crazy about me, and that you are scared. You talked about the fast pace of the world, and how it feels like time is constantly slipping through your fingers before you have the chance to enjoy it. You said you wanted to make a conscience effort to remember this weekend. You said you wanted to make a conscience effort to remember it all.
There's nobody I'd rather stand next to while the world stops. Here’s to our second vacation together. Here’s to our adventure and life and moments together. This is just the start.
24 May 2013
I’m afraid that I’m an 8 and not a 10. And see, that seems silly because maybe I’m a 5, but I just wanted to be perfect in somebody’s eyes.
I’m afraid that tonight I’ll have another nightmare. The one about the tattoo. It always reminds me about how scared I am to commit. I wish I wasn’t and I wish I didn’t. But here I am.
I am afraid that I have already disappeared and that it is mostly my fault but I kind of don’t care anymore because I graduate in like, two weeks.
I’m tired. I’m burnt out. I am happy, too. I just wish I could balance all my plates at once.
8 May 2014
I believe there’s a million and one people in the world that you have the potential to meet and fall in love with. I don’t know why we don’t give ourselves more room for what lies ahead. Life is short. Heartbreak is scary. I just hope we end up kissing the right person goodnight.
19 May 2014
I want to share my everything with you.
27 May 2015
We became strangers overnight.
11 May 2016
Once you’ve loved someone as much as I loved you it kind of feels like there’s nothing left to give. I’m waiting for a renewal of my love energy or a replenishing of my heart, but my god. You took it all away from me.
10 May 2017
tonight, i smell like salt, cigarettes, and secrets.
my bank account is empty and my toes are cold, but i am not a dollar amount and i have warm blankets to crawl into and fall asleep underneath.
tonight, i found my center laying on a dock beside the quiet sea.