tbh a lot of these had me gagging on my own tongue because of the cheese, but I had to give myself grace when I looked at the years. April has always been an emotional month for me. The changing of seasons is beautiful, but it tilts my equilibrium on its side.
7 April 2013
Sometimes, all it takes is a trip that you really didn’t want to go on, and an old song that everyone knows and can sing along with.
Sometimes, all it takes is a simple I love you to crack your bones and let the light in.
Sometimes, all it takes is a reminder that you are still learning and that you can still be wrong and that you can still be surprised by the outcome.
My heart is a matchbox. You hold the match to start the flame. Strike easily, darling. I’m not ready to go down in flames.
25 April 2013
You fell asleep next to me today while I was doing homework. We were listening to Claire de Lune, or I guess, I was the only one really listening. I think somewhere between asleep and awake you were too. I couldn't believe it, but there you were- peaceful and cute as can be, taking a nap next to me while I was doing homework. I think I’ll keep you.
2 April 2014
It’s been rainy lately. At night it’s a nice sound to drown out the ocean of thoughts in your mind, but during the day you miss the warmth of the sun.
10 April 2014
And I wish it didn't have to feel so damn one sided. And I wish I could make you stay. And I wish I didn't feel like it was always my fault.
But there you are, standing in the doorway of my memory, smiling at me, because you are in love. And now, here you are, conflicted and confused, because this is all a lot harder than it was at the beginning, and you didn't realize I could be such a pistol when I don't get my way.
I hope we're worth it.
I hope that even though times are tough you will remember that I love it when you pick me flowers from your mothers garden, and stick post it note 'I love you's' in between the pages of my current read. I hope that we can work through this and make it right.
But just in case our paths do part, I hope you always know, there's no one like you in all this whole wide world for me. No one like you.
19 April 2015
Note to self,
Don’t lose the kid inside just because you turned 20 six months ago, and life seems a whole lot more stressful than you bargained for. You’re not that cool. Solo dance parties in your room are critical. Wash your face. Moisturize. Love yourself, love others, and have a damn good life. Despite it all, try.
27 April 2017
I let go and I've had writers block all month long and enough self doubt to fill a large mason jar.
Sometimes, waking up is painful and that's not reflected anywhere on anything that anyone else can see. I'm sore and tired of the same same same same same same same same. I'm craving something to do with neutrals and community and an active effort to say no to myself even when I really don't want to, because no is sometimes a better answer than yes.
I let go and I'd like to continue to do so. Maybe one day, if I'm brave enough, I'll float.