Accepting my timeline has been one of the most challenging things for me. I thought I was supposed to be at a different ~life stage~ at age 23, but I’m slowly learning that the only one who has to be at peace with the rhythm of my life is me. I’ll never know what I’m doing exactly, but I’m getting better at the not knowing part. Finding more peace and less anxiety in the quiet spaces. Growing into the person you’re supposed to be is hard, don’t let anyone fool ya.
I'm aware of the motion of time.
The clock goes round and round and round and I can hear it ticking and I feel as though I'm sitting on the hand of the hour letting it move me in the only direction it knows how.
Mostly, I'm okay to sit. But there are moments when the air is crisp and the sky is navy blue and sidewalks are for dancing and laughter takes the place of breath and I know it's impossible, but I wish I could stay just a little bit longer under the freckled dark.
I'm aware of the motion of time.
The clock goes round and round and round and I want to stand up and push back -- fight the hour and the minute with both of my hands and send the seconds in reverse.
Over the course of the past twelve months I filled up at least five journals with words words words words words, fell in love with jazz, cut bangs into my hair, started school at a real life university, ate my weight in ice-cream (several times), wrote a short story, got a passport, kept four houseplants alive, and never denied myself the love of a burrito.
My car got stolen and my heart cracked open more times than I can count, but I learned how to position myself so that all of the light could leak in.
On August 01 I wrote,
"I'm twenty-two years of stories and experiences squashed into one human body. Sometimes, I think about what a miracle it is that all of this life fits into my small frame. I'm learning how to be honest with myself about everything that I am and all that I am feeling. I'm learning how to let myself exist in full capacity without fear of being too much. "
22 will forever be the year that bravery made its home inside of my bones.
I'm finally on the other side of things. The grass is greener, and I get to wear a gold crown.
I'm tired of going on dates. The good ones are exhausting and the bad ones are exhausting, and if I have to deal with one more stage five clinger I am actually going to consider hibernation...
I need a nap.
When our hearts are sick of something, they tend to puke all over it. Complaints, complaints, complaints. So many complaints that our lives become humid. We live in the stick of things until we actually believe that we are stuck.
But we are not stuck. We are never stuck. We have every capability of changing the cycle and getting ourselves unstuck, we just have to decide to do so.
On August first I made the decision to get unstuck. I am done letting my heart puke on my dating life. If I am going to complain about how much I really don't loooove dating right now, then I'm not going to date right now. I am going to put my dating life down for a nap. I am going to give my heart a few seconds to stop feeling so nauseous.
This isn't forever. I've set a clear end date and marked it on my calendar, but until then, I am drawing a line in the sand: NO DATES.
This timeout is for taking notice of the empty spaces and filling them with the Best Love. It's for setting new standards and finding worth in who He is and the wholeness of everything He has promised.
I told God that I was ready for whatever's next, and this isn't exactly what I meant, but I know that it's what I'm being called to do right now. My palms are facing up. I am relearning Him and He is reshaping me.
I'm not afraid to let go. What's meant for me will always be mine.
june 28th 1017: yesterday, i went to the doctor and i made him measure me because i've reeeeally been feeling taller lately, and i sweeeear i must've grown. he propped me against a human tape measure and sure enough, my suspicion was verified by one inch. i laughed. 2017 has been marked by a conscious effort to grow in all sorts of ways, but i never dreamed that height would be one them. espeeeeciallly since i was told that i had stopped growing at age twelve. welp, here i am. 22 years old and an inch taller. i don't believe that it's a coincidence; my body and soul are in this together. what a gift to receive visual representation of progress. this is my new favorite photo of me: five foot one and standing taller than ever.
An Ode to standing alone
I was eighteen years old the first time I decided to (wo)man up and take myself on a solo movie date... People go to the movies by themselves all the time. It wasn't really thaaaat big of a deal, but it required me to admit out loud that I was alone on a Friday night, and for that reason it felt equal parts awkward and uncomfortable. I had to give myself a push. When the movie ended and the credits rolled, I sat alone for a few minutes in the dark. I was proud of myself and shocked by how much I actually enjoyed the experience of being on my own.
I realized then that the building blocks of bold are small acts like taking yourself to the movies.
I'm not romanticizing solitude, or saying that you're better for going out in public by yourself, but I am advocating a shift in the negative connotation that comes from letting others know that you are a party of one. I want standing alone in a crowded room to feel like a declaration instead of a confession.
Here's a few definitions of the word independent:
not influenced or controlled by others in matters of opinion, conduct, etc.; thinking or acting for oneself
not subject to another's authority or jurisdiction; autonomous; free
not influenced by the thought or action of others
not dependent; not depending or contingent upon something else for existence, operation, etc.
not relying on another or others for aid or support.
refusing to be under obligation to others
possessing a competency
Next time you're flying solo, remember what it means to be independent and let it empower you.
Solitude is a lovely practice. There's a sexy layer of confidence in showing up to a bar by yourself to enjoy a drink.