archives

December Archives

Welp, despite my usual failure to complete things of this nature, I did it. 12 months of angst, spanning the years, brought to you from the archives of my Tumblr.

Most of these excerpts are nothing short of cringy, but that is okay. I love this lil' internet home I've created for pieces of my heart to live. I'm proud of myself for stringing all of these moments and memories together to create some resemblance of a whole. 

D E C E M B E R

2012 

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17 December 2012

I love that feeling of comfort you get when you are sitting next to someone and you realize just how wonderful they are. I really, really do. 

23 December 2012

These are the things I am going to miss most. 

The 12:30am phone calls, “Come outside. We're going to look at the stars in the canyon.” Or knowing that every time I go to Oso Starbs I will run into at least three people I know. I will miss the weekly adventures. No destination in mind. No curfew. Just friends and togetherness. I will miss the Saturday night hugs that always make me feel so loved, and I will miss feeling like I belong to something great.

When they all leave and go to college they will take pieces of me with them. It isn't bad, just hard. 

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2013

04 December 2013

It’s okay to ask your mom to sleep in bed with you because you had a bad day. It's okay to ask her to hold your hair for you while you throw up. Don't take these small things for granted. Sometimes, you just can’t do it on your own.

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13 December 2013

It’s the smallest acts of love that keep our hearts warm.

25 December 2013

You told me that you were leaving because maybe, just maybe, the grass would be greener on the other side…

Oh darling, there have been nights where I have longed so desperately to meet you there - watering bucket in hand. You’d tell me how the grass was dead all along. I’d laugh and tell you that flowers can’t grow where the sun doesn’t shine. You’d smile as you remembered - for the longest time I was your sun.

What happened to us, sweet? What happened to us, darling? 

We couldn’t meet in the middle, and now we’re two worlds apart.

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2015 

15 December 2015

I think I could collapse under the weight of 2015.

2016 

16 December 2016

I never thought he’d be the one to hurt me most.

November Archives

N O V E M B E R

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2012

27 November 2012

Sometimes I stay up late just because I like the way darkness feels around me -- all encompassing and devout in nature, but permeable at the same time.

I'm listening to Clair de Lune on repeat, and I wonder if anybody has ever looked at me in the same way that I look at darkness and the bashing of someone’s fingers across the keys of a piano -- unabashedly beautiful and reckless.

29 November 2012

We’re all dealing with a lot of the same stuff which I find funny, because we all feel so alone.

2013 

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08 November 2013

I’m not really sure who I am right now. I’m a whole lot more lost than ever before, but I can’t seem to care. And I don’t want anyone’s sympathy. And I don’t want people to worry about me.

I want to melt

like the wax on a candle from the heat of the flame

into the background or the pattern in the sky.

How does the part of me that wants to disappear exist simultaneously with this sick desire to be someone? Anyone at all.

Do well, be better, be known. 

I want all the good things.

I don’t want to hurt anyone and I don’t want to be a burden and I don’t want to go away for the weekend and come home even more empty than when I left.

I want the beautiful boy to want me, and I want to laugh.

But ah, the eternal truth: life is hard -- moms get brain tumors and junior college sucks even though you don’t want it to.

You turn down the adventure because you're scared of what you'll find and you lay in your bathtub until the heat makes you

sick.

2014 

12 November 2014

Loving you, always. 

2015 

22 November 2015

I want to bury myself in pillows and cry for days.

October Archives

These are so late, but I want them on here because I promised myself I'd get through all of the months, so here they are. 

ps - it's REALLY difficult for me not to want to edit these and make myself sound better, but the whole point of doing this was to show growth over time. Hard as it is not to self edit, I am leaving them be. Okay, continue... 

O C T O B E R

2012

28 October 2012

We all believe in something. I believe in sentences structures, and words on paper. I believe in the sound that my cameras shutter makes every time I hold down the button to capture something new. I believe in somedays and tomorrows. 

Some days, like today, aren’t very good at all. But you study with one of your best friends at Starbucks, and laugh at your old PE teacher or that boy you used to like as they orders their drinks. And it isn’t until 6 o’clock when your eyes start getting that burning sensation (the kind that you get after a good cry) that you realize today was even bad at all.

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29 October 2012

Sometimes you wake up, and life is hard.

Other times you wake up, and life is impossible. 

This is one of those days. 

 

31 October 2012

Isn’t it weird to think that someday (hopefully) you will meet someone, and things will go your way?

2013

07 October 2013

There’s this thing I do where I go out and I try to forget where I am. In the past five weeks I’ve put 1,600 miles on my car just driving in circles.

Some people have it better than other people and they know it, so they stay quiet.

Some people have it better than other people, but they continually find a reason to complain.

I just want to wake up one morning and know that it’s all going to be okay.

2015 

16 October 2015

Sometimes I care so much and other times I care so little, and I'm still trying to figure out how to fix that. 

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September Archives

It's October 9th, but I didn't forget. Here's a few excerpts from Septembers past. 

2013 

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8 September 2013

I forgive you. I forgive you. I forgive you.

I forgive me, too.

I forgive us.

I am letting go, not a bit of spite left to sting my tongue.

You were right all along.

This is best.

Today, my heart agrees. 

 

16 September 2013

If I say “I don’t care” please know that I am lying.

I do care. I care very much.

I will care until the day I don’t have to tell myself or anyone else that I don’t.

 

20 September 2013

Ten years from now, she will look back on the photos from her first day of kindergarten.

She will take them in with warm regard, and let out a sigh for moments past - 

curly blonde pigtails, and a green pleated skirt.

That is all fine and lovely, but that is not what this is about.

This is about the In Between, and the moments that the photos never captured. 

This is about how her mom ordered her a kids hot chocolate and put a green straw in the lid so that she wouldn't tip it over and spill. 

This is about the impeding sugar rush and running in circles around the giant oak tree.

This is about the boy who pulled her pigtails and the way she didn’t want him to see her afterwards, because she started to cry. 

More than anything though, this is about me - hidden behind the window of a coffee shop, this morning around six.

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2014

8 September 2014

Sometimes, it’s 10:30 at night, and for no particular reason at all life feels extra beautiful.

Your head hits the pillow and your skin feels soft against the cold clean sheets.

You are grateful.

Today was the last Monday, September 8th 2014 that I will ever have again.

I’ve already lived it. That is nuts.

August Archives

A U G U S T

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2012

13 August 2012

He said she was golden. I don’t know why, but I just can’t shake that.

Golden. Who says that? He doesn’t even like her either. He just said that she was the type of girl who is golden.

It was two weeks ago that I heard those words come out of his mouth, but I think they will forever stay in my heart, reminding me to wait for the guy that looks at me that way. Shouldn’t we all?

23 August 2012

Let’s all stop playing games and kiss each other right on the mouths in the middle of simple conversation just because we feel like it. 

2013

16 August 2013

I fell in love with the boy who picked flowers for me when I was sad. I don’t know where he went, but I am learning how to be better. Today was good.

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9 August 2013

Fresh starts are underrated.

We are young as hell. It’s okay not to be anchored down. Maybe it’s better. On your own, you possess the power to leave it all behind… travel… chase your craziest dreams… no one to worry about, no one to hold you back.

Love is wonderful. But we are young, so it is also complicated. Mostly, love is a pain that aches and aches and aches… until that fateful day when you pick up the pieces and decide that it’s okay to be okay.

This is my time to be selfish. This is a white blank page. This is a new beginning and a fresh start. It’s time to move forward- unanchored. Searching & finding, searching & finding, stumbling & falling & standing back up again.

Life is learning and life is beautiful and the sun still rises above all the pain.

I belong to me. I have the rest of my life to belong to someone else.

Today, my heart feels full for the first time in awhile. It’s funny the new appreciation I have for a happy heart.

A breakup hurts worse than you ever could expect, but it’s not the end of the world. It’s the end of a world. 

Today is the day that I start a new world, unanchored. Forever grateful for my first love and all that it taught me, but ready to move forward once more.

2014

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6 August 2014

I’d like to spend an infinite number of tomorrows with you doing absolutely nothing.

7 August 2014

I think you should do whatever the hell you want.

Say what you feel when you feel it. Dress how you want. Eat what you want. Listen to the music you like. Who cares if it’s mainstream? Who cares if it’s not? Date who you want. Love who you want.

If you dislike someone then don’t spend time with them, but don’t say mean things about them behind their back. They are trying their best. Being a human is hard, remember?

We make way too many rules in life, and I’m here to say screw them all. 

Life is short. Live the life you are crazy about every single day. No one really cares what you do anyway. I just hope that when you go to bed at night you really truly land on the pillow with a smile on your face, and a feeling of goodness in your heart, because you deserve it. You deserve a beautiful life.

 

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2015

25 August 2015

Come be a constellation with me.

 

27 August 2015

Reality is a nasty bitch

Constantly grasping at my coat tail and yanking me

Back and back and back

 

 

2017

9 August 2017

Sometimes, I get heavy with the weight of all the stories I would tell him if I could. 

I laid my soul bare and handed him a brush.

I can't unpaint the areas that he turned blue.   

July Archives

J U L Y

2012

10 July 2012 

I want someone to surprise me. Pick me up, and take me on a drive to the middle of nowhere. I want to look up at the stars, and listen to the best music, and just be for awhile.

16 July 2012 

On a day like today you would be the first one I’d call. You would pick me up, get me my Starbucks, and drive me through my favorite spots in the canyon. We would just talk or listen to the best music and you would always help me to forget. I’d put my feet up on your dash and just be whatever I was. You made me feel pretty okay, even on the worst days.

I know I’ll find another you. A better one, even. I just hate when I’m up this late and I have no one to talk to. I’m adjusting, and I guess that’s life.

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2013

2 July 2013 

I am the girl who wants to be better.

Seven pounds lighter- no, ten. Smaller boobs. Whiter smile. Skinnier legs. Wavier hair. A flatter stomach...

The list goes on.

I have spent my whole entire life trying to reach an unrealistic standard and it get’s tiring. 

I always want something to fix. I think far too much. I go too far. I hurt the people I love. I distance myself… 


I want to be better. I want to improve. I want to grow up, and grow out of old habits. I want to get to the gym waaay more, and start eating healthy all the time. I want to read my Bible more, and keep in contact with the hundreds of people in my contact book. But honestly, it’s tiring. And that’s all I have for tonight.

14 July 2013 

I wish I could see my forever. But maybe there’s no such thing.

2014

6 July 2014

You’re the best part of my everyday

2015

21 July 2015 

Tonight is one of those good nights. 

It’s been eight weeks, and I am finally able to be alone and feel peaceful. My own company isn’t overbearing, and the quiet isn’t cumbersome. The thoughts in my head aren’t disturbances to the equilibrium I am trying to keep. I am sitting here in the company of no one but myself, and I am content and happy to be here. I feel stronger than I've felt in a long time. I know it’s a tiny victory, but it’s a victory nonetheless.

Time is healing the things that were broken. Tonight, I am grateful. 

2017

23 July 2017

You can want and want and want, but it's going to happen by accident. Put it into the world and then let go. Purge your heart of what is unnecessary; there's more room to grow in empty spaces.

What's meant for you will be meant for you when you wake up tomorrow, next week, a year from now... 

Fill the void with light and love, and whatever it is will find you. How can it not when you're radiating sunbeams?